I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
