So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
