when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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