She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
