he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
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I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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