i think my tv is drunk
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I think we might need a safe word for this...
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
