There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Your topless pictures make me question reality
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
