im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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