Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
