I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
OPIZZABONMYDICK
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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