My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
