sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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