I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
