i jhust puked up my retainher.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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