I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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