im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
