Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
