i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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