Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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