That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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