i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
