im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I need to align my fucking chakras
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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