We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
