You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
