I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
