this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
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