and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
