don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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