i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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