I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
