I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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