Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize