Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
