her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
