i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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