So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
