textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
