If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Less talking, more tequila
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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