Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
