onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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