She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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