dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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