He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
not ubering you a puppy
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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