i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
