3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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