Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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