Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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