Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Princesses don't give blow jobs
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
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