Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
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