pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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