Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Couch. On fire.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
