I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
