I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
