I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
