woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
