oh fat girl friday strikes again...
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
