There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
