THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I look excited, but its just a facade.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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