Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
