What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
