you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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